anjum – Anjabeen Ashraf, PhD

I thought boundaries were supposed to make my life easier?⁣

By anjumBoundaries

I thought boundaries were supposed to make my life easier?⁣
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I hear this a lot. I’ve also said it to myself. The truth is that as we begin to set boundaries, we are going to experience emotional distress. New contexts, new seasons, and new places will bring up the emotional distress sometimes as well even if we’ve been setting those same boundaries for a long time.⁣
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The emotional distress can be internal and external. External as the people and systems around us react to our new boundaries. Internal as we react to their upset. Or discomfort at the thought of setting the boundaries because we have internalized messages that we are not worthy, women/Muslim women/women of color/people of color shouldn’t set these boundaries, or because we’ve never had a great example of healthy boundaries.⁣
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In those times, it is so important that we acknowledge what is happening. Our mind will probably default to “This is a bad boundary. I shouldn’t do this” or “This is my fault. I’ve made it hard” or “I’m not doing it right”. No. Boundaries are good for us. ⁣
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Acknowledging what is actually happening looks like, “This is hard. I’m new to this. Makes sense this is so difficult” or “Others are reacting with anger or frustration. Does not make my boundaries and needs any less worthy”. ⁣
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For my part, I like to take a deep breath, perhaps closing my eyes, and refocusing on WHY I wanted to set this boundary. I set boundaries because I am enough. I set boundaries because I deserve space to become. To grow. I set boundaries to heal myself. To be my own anchor rather than tethering myself to something outside of myself.⁣
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So take a moment today to grab a warm cup of something. Sit down. Feel the warmth of the drink. Close your eyes and take 3 deep breaths. ⁣
What do you need to tell yourself to sit with this discomfort as you grow into new boundaries?⁣
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I’d love to know below 👇

November 17, 2019

Love1

Boundaries

By anjumBoundaries

Repeat after me: boundary is not a bad word. ⁣
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Boundaries are simply our limits. These limits can be in any area. And I don’t mean the farthest limit you can set. I mean the limit that makes you feel good. For example, a boundary that we are taught early on is about our bodies and who can/can’t touch us. ⁣⁣
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Many myths exist about boundaries & I’ve illustrated a few here. Boundaries are healthy & natural. We all have different types of boundaries. ⁣⁣
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This part is REALLY important. I often hear things like, “Boundaries are a Western thing” or “American thing” and THAT IS NOT TRUE. The concept of boundaries exist in every culture and subsequently they look different in every culture but that doesn’t mean they don’t exist. ⁣⁣
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What I think people are reacting to when they say such things is, “I don’t like boundaries because it means I don’t get to operate in my unhelpful & sometimes dysfunctional ways towards other people”. This outlook is also informed by the culture of origin but make no mistake, setting boundaries in even Western cultures is hard.⁣⁣
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Within Muslim & South Asian communities, boundaries, particularly for women, are supposed to be non-existent, very flexible, or determined by others. Which presents problems for many of these women as their needs are not met, they don’t have an amount of space that works for them, and they are left without a sense of agency in their life. ⁣⁣
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As we begin boundaries week, I want you to reflect on the negative beliefs you hold about boundary setting. Write them down. And then evaluate them for truth. I might write down, “Boundaries mean I am selfish” as a belief. Then evaluating them for truth might read, “Asking for what I need & getting it makes me happier, safer, & more productive. That isn’t selfish”.⁣⁣
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Share below: What have you heard about boundaries? What negative beliefs do you hold about boundaries?

November 17, 2019

Love1

When People Don’t Respect Your Boundaries

By anjumBoundaries

You’ve been setting boundaries, yay! Inevitably you’re going to encounter people saying one of these three things or something similar.⁣
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People are going to resist us setting boundaries. It might be scary for them. It might anger them because they are losing power. They might be confused about what you mean or what you’re trying to do.⁣
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In any of these cases, you’re still within your rights to set boundaries. Let me say that again. You have the right to set boundaries and continue to set them even if others resist. It won’t be easy at first and you might need to have some of these responses ready.⁣
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Your role when this happens is to manage YOUR emotions, not theirs. That’s right. The only person responsible for their anger, discomfort, whatever emotion/reaction is them. Not you. You stay focused on your needs, your emotions, and your boundaries. And in order to do so, you might find it helpful to have ‘ready to go’ phrases to say in response.⁣
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So today’s task is to practice these responses. Say them out loud. Tweak them slightly so they sound natural coming from you. Practice practice practice. Then you’ll be ready when the resistance comes. Emotionally, you might not be ready but having a verbal response ready helps you to 1: practice holding boundaries and 2: have one less thing to worry about.⁣
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Try it and let me know👇🏽how did it feel? Do you have go to phrases when people resist your boundaries?

November 17, 2019

Love0

The relationship between boundaries and emotional distress

By anjumBoundaries

Many of us have been living with a baseline amount of emotional distress. We’ve become accustomed to it. Not that it is easy.⁣
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Sometimes, this emotional distress is tied to low or no boundaries. Then here come folks like me telling you to set all.the.boundaries. You do it and then experience EVEN MORE emotional distress. What on earth?! You might question if you’re doing it wrong. Or if I’m wrong about boundaries. Or if you’ll ever experience less emotional distress.⁣
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The truth is that boundaries and emotional distress will often present in this way: you have that baseline level of distress with no/low boundaries then as you set more boundaries, the emotional distress may actually GO UP. Yes. Really. Why? Because we are not used to setting boundaries. Because the people and systems around us are not used to us setting boundaries. So we and they react accordingly to what is new: with a mix of anger, resentment, fear, shame, and many many other emotions.⁣
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Anything new requires energy and discomfort. But the beauty of continuing to set boundaries? Usually, we will see that emotional distress decrease. That was the whole point of doing this, right?!⁣
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Now of course this does not mean that once you get past the uptick in distress, you will never again experience that again. Seasons change, contexts change, relationships change, systems change. Thus you might experience this up and down again. But you’ll already have the tools and perspective to cross that bridge when you get to it.⁣
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👇:How have you experienced this graph? What helped you get past that upper part of the curve?

November 15, 2019

Love0